Barangay elections were held across the country today. We went home to Sta. Maria, Bulacan to cast our votes. I didn’t actually vote for anyone. First, I didn’t know any of the candidates. Second, the entire barangay elections at present, I think, is just a way of reinforcing traditional politics at the barangay level, and does not offer any significant socio-political relief for the people. The votes have been counted in many barangays by now, and the results will speak for themselves. Majority of the victors are loyalists whose campaigns have been well-financed by political patrons at the higher echelons of the present political structure, incoming village officials who will simply preserve the ruling rotten order, with very few exceptions.

I took a nap late in the afternoon, then I woke up early in the night to a morbid spectacle on live TV. The early evening news programs had been extended. The usual soap operas had given way to a hostage drama on simultaneous nationwide broadcast. Apparently, it was also syndicated on major global news networks. Then, unexpected turn of events happened rapidly one after another right before our very eyes. From the dramatic arrest of the hostage-taker’s brother, and his relatives wailing pleas to stop the arrest, to the actual firing of bullets from the bus, and the tenseful reporting made by the TV commentators, to the bloody end of it all.

I couldn’t believe we were seeing it all on TV! Despite the lingering moralist thought that I shouldn’t patronize this blatant sensationalism, and the ugly thought that people were dying at the very instant in the same frames and footage we were witnessing, I couldn’t take my attention off from the intense series of events. Admit it or not, we were all glued to our TV sets. How can we explain ourselves? It felt really wrong, but we couldn’t resist not to miss a second of it. Sure, we find police thrillers and action movies gratifying, but we all enjoy it with the comfort of knowing it is all faux. But last night, it was real.

There’s probably some psychological explanation to it.

What I don’t quite understand is how quite a number of Filipinos, at least those who have been tweeting their thoughts online, are extremely concerned with how other countries will see the Philippines after the tragic hostage-taking incident. I mean, fine, I understand. As a journalist had said, where is everyone’s sense of proportion? Some people never expressed this extreme sense of national shame or remorse with, say, peasant landlessness, social and economic injustice among our people, extrajudicial killings, etcetera. These are legitimate issues that are similarly causes of national embarrassment to the eyes of the world, aren’t they?

It bothers me how we’re so concerned with our “tourist” outward image, and not-so with our internal conditions. Perhaps that’s why some of us are content with cosmetic changes in our society? As long as it looks good, some of us live well, as long as the tourists don’t see the rotten situation many of our people live in, it’s okay!

Can we not take this cosmetic, tourism-inspired nationalism notches higher and aspire for deeper changes that address the root causes of all the phsyical unsightly things we are oh so concerned of? Only then will we forever get rid of the very sights and images some of us are so ashamed to show foreigners.

Today, as it has always been, I still do not want to become a career lawyer, a lawyer working overtime with law firms in some office, defending random clients. That kind of lifestyle doesn’t appeal to me at all, notwithstanding the benefits or compensation. I want to study the law and be a lawyer so that I can promote and defend what I do as an activist, and do it better, from researching and drafting resolutions and bills in Congress to taking part in campaigns to protect and promote the rights of people. I want to study the law to make sure that the people I work with, the people I serve, and the people I care for and love will not be taken advantage of. Sure, I can read and study law books here and there without having to go through with the formality of attending school and passing the bar, but I have to recognize the fact that the social status of being a lawyer commands respect. It’s a kind of authority to challenge authority.

Yes, I’ve also thought about having to earn a living and provide for my family in the future. But I can set up a small shop take on a few “rakets” anyway. All I need is to support a simple family lifestyle. The idea of using law as a primary source of income is not appealing to me, too.

A few days ago, a group of disgruntled and desperate parents of University of the East students went to the headquarters of Kabataan Partylist. They have been calling our office almost every day the past weeks narrating their despair with regard to their children being maltreated in the school’s apparently abusive CAT training, among many other complaints. They have coursed their concerns to many politicians and government officials but they were not being given the attention they needed. I was talking to them about the kinds of campaigns we can mount in order to put a stop to the abuses, among other things. But then I also realized that it has to be complemented with legal action, of which I couldn’t properly advice them on. These kinds of situations reinforce my desire to study the law.

I apologize for not being able to update my blog the past month. Most of the tasks I have been assigned the past months for Kabataan Partylist is to speak and keep in touch with like-minded politicians and youth candidates from all over the country from different persuasions and political parties, forging formal and tactical alliances with a common agenda of change. One of these days we will launch an alliance of young men and women running for office this elections, united in upholding new politics from the youth for the people.

Speaking of Congress’ “power of the purse,” I briefly attended the first hearing of Congress for the government’s P 1.541 trillion budget for next year. The hearing was very well-attended by the congressmen, their staff and employees of the Budget and the Finance departments. I could barely find a comfortable place, not even to sit, but to stand. It’s that packed. Iba talaga pag pera na ang pag-uusapan.

TAMBAY SA OSPITAL
A few days ago, some of my fraternity batchmates and I brought another batchmate of ours to the hospital due to his chronic seizures because of his multiple sclerosis. He had five attacks that day, and the UP Health Service urged us to move him to a bigger health facility because all they could provide were valium shots. It was the first time I saw someone having a serious seizure, and it was quite scary. Since his parents were in the province and his relatives couldn’t come as soon as possible, we stayed at the hospital the rest of the afternoon, some of us till later that evening.

MEETING BOY ABUNDA
In between staying at the hospital, I went to a meeting with some ABS-CBN staff together with Boy Abunda, to talk about his new political talk show. I don’t know why I’m part of it. I got a call a few days earlier inviting me to join in, and well, I agreed. Though I’m having second thoughts now. True, I may be opinionated, I write and I blog, but I don’t do a lot of talking, really. Details to follow, as I don’t think I’m at liberty to disclose any more information about it.

CLEARING OUT OF U.P.
I’m currently processing my papers for my honorable dismissal from UP Law. I passed by Malcolm Hall yesterday, after not being there for weeks now. It didn’t feel nice being in a place you were forced to leave all of a sudden. Unfortunately, I’ll have to keep coming back the next few days to finish the process, get a transcript and other papers to be able to take tests in other law schools.

Perhaps only fellow law students really understand. Nagsasawa na akong magpaliwanag. I’m just starting to sound like I’m making excuses all the time.

All of you want me to become a lawyer but you make me feel bad for trying to get it done. I don’t think many of you understand how terribly demanding law school is. I’m tempted to take a picture of my piles of readings, worth thousands of pages, all of which I had to read and will have to re-read through for the final examinations, just to show you how seriously I mean it when I say I need all the time I can to study. I wouldn’t wish such an ordeal on any of you.

I’m trying my best to juggle and handle everything. ‘Pag kaya ko naman ginagawa ko, ‘pag may oras ako nagpapakita naman ako. But this I’ll admit, I’m really just so compelled to give much more time to studying. If I don’t spend as much time or more, I’m really, really going to fail some of my subjects. And if I fail I will never become the lawyer you want me to be, something I really want for myself, too.

I’ve never felt so depressed over grades. I was never that much of a grade-conscious person. As long as I pass and I know for myself that I’ve learned well, I’m satisfied. Last week I found out what my mid-semester average was. In spite of all the sleepless nights and the effort, it wasn’t enough. I failed big time. The fact that I was second lowest in my block made me feel so much worse. That day I went straight home from class and sulked. The week left me so tired and I am met with a failure.

Inggit na inggit ako sa mga blockmates ko when they study in the library in the afternoons, or when they come to class ready and discuss among each other issues and cases one after another in attempt to review what they’ve read. I wish I had all the time to commit myself to the great demands of law school. When I see my blockmates talk about the lesson, I want to walk out because I barely know anything anymore.

But alas, I have extra-curricular commitments left and right. And even an extra undergraduate subject to worry about. I know I can do away with a lot of them. And believe me, I try. I don’t solicit tasks when I’m not asked anymore. Unfortunately, or perhaps not, there persists to be times when it’s as if I’m the only one who can perform some duties. Need a video presentation? Bikoy can do it. Need to drive someone around? Bikoy can do it. Need a resource person for a TV interview? Bikoy can do it. Nobody else would do this or that? Bikoy can do it. It’s always been a weakness of mine to refuse friends, brods, orgs, acquaintances in need. It’s probably how I’ve been indoctrinated in Ateneo, in my political organization and even in my fraternity. Others before myself.

Perhaps this was an isolated incident. The past week had just been exceptionally stressful. Aside from the midterms examinations, I had to produce the student council’s newsletter, handle a project for the frat, attend meetings left and right, do all sorts of errands and favors for family and friends. Sana hindi na lang ako natulog so I had time to do all these. It’s gotten this bad, I’m blaming sleep for taking away precious working and studying time.

I do so many things for other people, I end up barely taking care of myself. Law studies is a demanding bitch. And I’ve realized that in order to survive my first year in law school, I’d have to be a little more selfish than I was before. That is if I can handle the guilt. Tantanan niyo muna ako.

All these headaches gets me into thinking sometimes, what if I wasn’t in the student council? What if I didn’t join the fraternity? What if I didn’t get myself involved in so many affiliations and commitments? What if I didn’t go to law school? What if I just didn’t care about how the government is run? What if I just cared about myself? Life would be so much less stressful. I could surf the net all day, watch all the movies I want to see, go to all places I want to go, spend all the time I want with people dear to me. What if, what if. Not that I’m regretting anything at all. It’s just that it amuses me to think how much stress I would have spared myself had I not gone the path I have tread. But then I wouldn’t be me.

Anyway, somehow related to student council stress… Geez, spare me from all these student council politicking! What a waste of time, indeed. I have my own constituents who expect me to respond to pressing issues. I’m disappointed some of my councilmates talk as if they’re the only ones whose constituents are aggrieved or will be aggrieved. We were popularly elected with the platform of expedient and responsible responses to issues of national concern. Failure to do such is a disservice in itself. I cannot allow the exaggerated ranting of some councilmates to stop us from exercising our mandate. It’s not as if they weren’t heard out or their points considered. It’s so sad that some of us have assumed bad faith against each other. Imagine being called evil and fascist. Hay, try staring at the fascism of Arroyo’s police force in the face! We substantially followed our collectively prescribed procedure. I still hope things could be threshed out amicably. Grabe lang. As public information officer, or the “final arbiter” in statements, palagi na lang akong dehado sa gitna ng party friction ‘pag may statement, kahit sinupaman ang proponent niyan, red, blue, yellow, white, whatever. Whether I release the statement or not, one party would be staring negatively at me. Ang sakit sa ulo.

In the meantime, I would like to prepare for my first midterms in UP Law.

On an irrelevant note, I got new lens for my DSLR! I’ll try to start taking photographs again.

April 24, 2008. I went with a friend to this free string quartet concert at Philam Life Theater in Ermita, Manila a week ago. It was the first time I witnessed a live string quartet concert. The concert was by a quartet called Quatuor Diotima from France. There was quite a number of French expats in the theater, and because it was free-admission there were also all sorts of people, including nuns and even street children, which is a nice thing, for a concert of music traditionally associated with the wealthy.

I actually fell asleep a number of times during the performance, not because I found it boring, but it’s really just an unconscious habit of mine. Sitting inside air-conditioned theaters make me really sleepy. A few nights ago I watched Ploning with the same friend, and I think I fell asleep for around fifteen minutes in between the movie.

After the concert, we walked around Ermita scouting for places to eat. We ended up walking around for an hour before we settled to have late dinner at a Chinese restaurant.

It was my last run after the Subic Marathon run (where I ran the 10 kilometer route), and that was months ago. I also woke up at 5:30 AM, just half an hour before the start of the run. And come on, I live in Quezon City! Believe it or not, however, I made it to Taguig all the way from Diliman in under thirty minutes (yes, I did not take a shower before leaving the house anymore).

Because I didn’t warm up, nor did I train, nor do I even run regularly, I ended up getting really exhausted quite early on in the race. It wasn’t a very happy feeling. Just after we reached the 3-kilometer mark, I asked Lester, my running companion, to run ahead as I really couldn’t keep up, and I felt like I was just slowing him down.

As a consolation, I did have a hearty breakfast right after the run.

Hay, I do think I should practice running more. Today as I was to leave the house, I felt even more unfit, literally, as I could barely fit into one of my slacks which I used to wear a lot a few years ago. I guess I should watch what I eat too, I guess.

A few days ago, I was paying some credit bills at some bank along Commonwealth. It was apparently a busy bank day. Imagine, I got a queue number of 98 and the lone teller (the rest were on lunch break? I don’t know) was serving number 30-something. I couldn’t put off the errand some other time because the bill was due that day and I had to pay before clearing cut off. It was midday and I was in urgent correspondence with someone prior to entering the bank. I couldn’t go out of the bank because I would forfeit my queue number so I discreetly communicated while in my seat. It didn’t escape the security’s attention, apparently, so he raise his voiced at me and told me to stop what I was doing. Fine, I said. For a while people looked at me. But there was this crazy woman who kept staring at me as if I was about to declare a hold-up. I was quite pissed, really, thoughts running through my head went like, stop staring at me people, or I’ll throw my goddamn phone at you.

So, please, someone explain to me, because it has escaped my understanding for the longest time, why civilian customers are prohibited from engaging in telecommunication activities inside banks?